Dear Aliens

Dear Aliens,

I’m not saying you can’t conquer Earth if you really want to, but seriously, are there no better options? Frankly, it comes off as a bit desperate like when my sister Stacy went to prom with that big booger Henry Jenkins. And no, he’s not actually a booger (that’s a green lump gross human males like to dig out of their nose and flick at girls they think are cute), we just call Henry a booger because my friend Marcy said she saw him behind the portables with a finger knuckle deep up his nose. Boys are disgusting.

And that’s just one reason you might want to reconsider conquering our planet. As disgusting as boys are (and let me tell you, they really are disgusting-they’ll burp and fart almost anywhere especially when there’s other people around, like they’re just trying to gross you out) they’re not even the worst thing about our planet. Because boys might be gross, but there’re girls like Casey who are just so mean.

Just the other day, Casey told Gail that she saw me kissing Eugene behind the portables. And Gail told, like, everyone. And it’s just not true. I would never kiss Eugene. He’s not a booger like Henry Jenkins, but he farts and burps just like the other boys. Dad farts and burps at home sometimes too. I don’t know how Mom can stand it. Being married must be the worst. That’s another thing I don’t think you’d like about ruling Earth: marriages. The only thing worse than marriage is divorce, which is what happens when your mom realizes she married a real booger. My friend Rachel’s parents are getting divorced, and it sucks. Anyhow, my point is that there are a lot of mean people like Casey that make life on this planet miserable.

Also, our teacher, Ms. Maya, says we have totally destroyed the planet. Do you know about the environment? Ms. Maya says we polluted the air we breathe and the water we drink, and pretty soon everything will just be poison and everyone will die: first the bees, then the rest of us. Is that really what you want: a polluted planet full of poisoned air and poisoned water and dying bees? That’s like going to the market and buying a spoiled apple. Mom gets angry if she gets one of those apples with spots of rot in a bag. She takes it right back to the grocer and makes them replace it with a fresh one. Says they hid it in there on purpose. Is that what happened to you? Did someone show you a star chart of planets to conquer and hide Earth among the bunch, hoping you wouldn’t notice?

You may want to know that we fight a lot too. Not just me and my sister, but like everyone. Dad says someone’s always fighting someone else. There’s always a war going on somewhere. Maybe after you conquer us, we’d stop fighting, but I doubt it.

We’re not very good at getting along, and you’d probably have to spend a lot of energy keeping us on our best behaviour. Sometimes Ms. Maya says she doesn’t know how she is going to make it through the day. Mom said that too last time she took my sister and me to the mall. But that’s because my sister was being so annoying about which prom dress she wanted. She really threw a fit. I didn’t do anything really; I just reminded her that Henry Jenkins is a booger picker.

What I guess I’m saying is, do you really think conquering Earth is such a good idea? Dad says we couldn’t stop you if you wanted to, but have you really considered it? Ms. Maya says there’s a lot of planets out there. Is this really the best one to choose? Maybe for you, Earth is a fixer-upper, which is what Dad said about our house when we bought it. Though Mom says he hasn’t done any of the promised fixing up. And then they get to arguing again. That’s marriage for you. I’m not sure it’s better than divorce.

Well, if you decide to take over anyway, please can you promise to clean up the air and the water and save the bees? And maybe you can make a law against mean girls and make boys stop being disgusting. Also, if you could ask parents to get along and big sisters not to pick on their younger sisters, maybe we’d all be really happy to have you as our alien overlords.

Or, if after reading my letter, you change your mind and decide to look for a better planet to conquer, please would you take me with you?

Sincerely,
Clara

PS - Matt, who sits behind me in math class, says you probe people’s butt holes (see, I told you boys are disgusting). It’s not true, is it?