Isn’t it funny when everything is going your way and then it’s just not? I mean, my best friend Laura; she’s the life of the party, right? She’s cool and popular and all that. For example, just the other day I told the gang a joke, you know, the one about the pastor and the bunny. I thought it was pretty funny; it made me snort milk through my nostrils when my kid brother JT told it to me over breakfast the day before.
Well, there I was telling it to all our friends, only no one was laughing. Marty had a blank look, and Theresa looked bored. Laura was inspecting her nails, and Tim was forcing a polite smile. I was the only one laughing at it. I stopped laughing and waited for them to get it, thinking they would clue in if I just let the punch line marinate a minute. Nothing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry.
“Let’s get to class,” Laura suggested, and everyone drifted off.
Have you ever felt the sudden awareness of the Earth’s spin? That strange knowledge that even as it turns beneath our feet, carrying us around with it, that everything is in fact crumbling apart, microscopic pieces flying irretrievably out into space. It is only a matter of time until the very foundation we’re standing on breaks apart and is lost to the void, and we with it.
So, no one thought my joke was funny, and that’s okay. Maybe my humor is a bit off. Maybe it was over their heads. No big deal.
Then yesterday at lunch, Laura pipes up. Everyone was talking, but when Laura speaks, everyone stops to listen. Laura had a joke. It was the same crowd as the day before: Tim, Marty, Theresa, all the ones who just didn’t think my joke was funny.
Well, Laura started sharing her ‘new joke’ and at first, I thought she was having us on. I looked around in disbelief, but the others were listening with rapt attention, as if they’d never heard the damned thing before. The sinking feeling in my gut made me want to throw up my Hostess Twinkies. When Laura got to the punchline where the bunny answers the pastor, I could not believe it.
How could she have forgotten? She hadn’t even laughed at it yesterday. What made her think it was funny today?
Well, you know how funny it is when the weatherman says it’s going to be a fine spring day filled with sunshine, shorts and suntan lotion and then you step outside to witness the first snowflakes of an impending flurry?
No one had laughed yesterday. So, why were they all laughing now when Laura told it? Theresa even squirted milk out of her nostrils as Laura delivered the punch line–gross!
“Good one!” Marty said when he finally caught his breath.
I was the only one not laughing; Tim punched me on the shoulder.
“Come on,” he said, “Get a sense of humor!”
School itself is pretty hilarious if you think about it. I mean, what’s the whole deal about, anyway? We sit and learn and hope we do well so that we can graduate and get a job that we hate, just like our parents. And some people think the pastor and the bunny joke is funny? Come on, who are they kidding?
Just the other day Laura was crying because Mrs. Finch, the gym teacher, gave her a C minus in Phys. Ed. Like anyone’s going to care that she can’t jump rope.
My aunt was a track star in college, but these days she lives in a double-wide trailer and weighs close to two-hundred pounds. She couldn’t run to the toilet, never mind around the track.
Isn’t it funny the way Tim asked me out to the prom first but then suddenly wasn’t available? Handsome, sporty Tim, whose locker always smells vaguely of unwashed gym kit. Told me, “Something came up.”
And by something, I guess he meant Laura. Because day after he dumped my ass, Theresa told me that Tim and Laura were going to prom together. Guess he likes the way she tells the pastor and bunny joke better. Well, let her have him and his stinky sweat socks.
Have you ever watched one of those nature shows where a little garden-variety snake tries to swallow a toad whole without even chewing? It’s crazy the way the snake’s face bloats up fit to split. The most ridiculous sight.
My kid brother JT gets that look when he’s trying to cram a bunch of wieners in his face all at once like a kid in a hot dog eating contest or something. Sometimes I hope that he’ll choke! Do you think my aunt had to stuff her face full of food like that to balloon up from track star to trailer trash?
I wonder how Laura would look with her mouth crammed full like a toad-eating snake? But instead of toads, maybe she’d be stuffing in a whole tray of preserved frogs from the science lab. Her cheeks bulged out and little green-gray webbed feet dangling from her lips, yellowish drips of formaldehyde dribbling down her chin. That would be funny! A yearbook photo classic, for sure!
Bet I wouldn’t be the only one laughing then.
Isn’t funny how after dumping me for Laura, Tim didn’t even bother showing up for prom. Left her standing there crying like she was the only broken-hearted bitch in the place.
“You’re so cold,” Marty told me when I refused to pretend to feel sorry for her standing there alone in her gown and corsage.
“It’s one thing stealing a girl’s jokes,” I told him.
Marty looked at me like I was crazy. I don’t think he had any idea what I was referring to. Probably didn’t even remember the old pastor and bunny joke. Might not have realized that Tim asked me to the prom first.
Isn’t it funny how Tim didn’t just ditch Laura and the prom but our grad ceremony, too? No robe for him. No cap. No march up to the stage to receive his diploma. A big mystery that. Rumors buzzing like flies around smelly gym shorts.
And speaking of flies, do you know what else is funny? Did you notice those flies buzzing about Tim’s old locker? Halls are empty now with school out and all, but if you walked by, you might wonder about the stench leaking out of it. Stinks like moldering sweat socks or putrefying flesh.
I wonder how long it will be before someone reports it to the office and the custodians cut the lock off.
Isn’t funny to imagine their faces if they discover Tim’s body stuffed inside?